Resilience in the face of mom guilt/shame- Focus inward

“I forgot to send in dessert for the class party. I’m a terrible mother.” Or even “I had a C-section instead of a vaginal delivery. Am I a real mom?”

Mom guilt is alive and thriving in most moms. But, let’s break it down a little. Guilt is about focusing on a behavior. Shame is when the focus is on ourselves. Mothers tend to mix the two and end up with a pit in their stomach. 

Having those feelings, questioning your choices may come easy but we can also take steps to break down those thoughts and move past them.

Don’t add feeling guilty to your list of things to feel guilty about.

What you can do is to practice recognizing when those feelings come up. Forgive yourself then practice some “shame resilience”. 

According to Brené Brown, author and research professor, shame resilience means practicing 1) vulnerability, 2) self-acceptance, 3) self-compassion, and 4) authenticity. (More information on Dr Brown’s research is here.)

Vulnerability is a hard one for most Moms. We work so hard to keep it together. You need give yourself permission to let it out. Open up to a friend. Tell them about the trip through the fast food drive thru because you didn’t have time to make dinner, again. Commiserate with other moms about how you cry in the shower sometimes because you are overtired and yelled at your kids. You will find that the other moms are going through it as well. 

Self-Acceptance means just what it says. Learn to look at all the things about your parenting both good and “bad”. You know yourself, you know all that you have been through; your strengths and weaknesses. 

Self-Compassion just means give yourself a break. Treat yourself with respect as you navigate the challenges of parenthood. If you have trouble giving yourself the grace of looking at your actions as part of a whole, think about how you would talk to a friend who described the same circumstances. 

Authenticity is about living the life based on who you are, on your family's values, traditions, and on meeting your family’s needs. Delete those “SuperMoms” from your social media so you don’t find yourself comparing your family to theirs. Don’t judge the other moms that you come into contact with at school or daycare. Maybe they look like they got it all together and it bugs you to see them looking cute at carpool but, you don’t know their story so focus on you. 

Mommy guilt can hit you hard or sneak up on you. Instead of letting it tear you down, build up your resilience. Not only will you be taking care of yourself but you will also be modeling that positive behavior to your children.