Being grateful for that ungrateful teenager
Teenagers don’t typically give you many reasons to be grateful between the stomping away from conversations, door slamming, and mumbling from behind phones. We feel like we are constantly sacrificing limited resources like time and money driving them to activities or buying them that homecoming dress they had to have, then, our kid doesn’t even say thank you.
“My kid is so ungrateful,” we tell our friends or write in Facebook groups.
But, what if you stopped to consider that your reaction to their behavior is part of the problem.
Some teenagers may look like adults but our brains are not the same. In the teenage years, the frontal lobe remains immature, affecting teens' executive functioning skills which occur in the prefrontal cortex. That affects areas like:
Complex decision-making
Planning skills
Impulse control
Emotional reactions
Focusing attention
Prioritizing competing information received all at once
The ability to ignore external distractions
Understanding this about our children does not mean they have a free pass to break rules and act disrespectfully, but it might give you a reason to pause before reacting negatively to it. Respond rather than react. But how?
Start by looking at the behaviors or situations that keep causing trouble. There are probably a list of ones that get under your skin.
Make a list of those particularly trouble spots that you react to most often. Now take a good look at whether your response is valid.
Are you doing things for them you’re expecting immediate gratitude for, then getting angry when they don’t react how you would like? Things that you may or may not really want to do for them.
Then, stop correcting those behaviors that really are ultimately not that important as you work to raise this young adult.. And stop yourself from doing things for them that have strings attached.
Instead, concentrate on some basic ways to build connections with your child.
Make regularly scheduled time together.
-Getting together around the dinner table every night can be hard for busy families, but try to make it a priority at least once a week. Find time before bed to talk for 10 minutes, stand in the doorway or invite them to sit with you in your bed. Sometimes we see these 5’10” beings and forget they are still young and wanting our attention.
Give them clear rules and expectations.
-Believe it or not, children want boundaries, even teenagers. Set clear reasonable rules with your teen. Discuss them and write them down. Then, be consistent. Let your kids know what you expect from them and ask them what they expect from you. And, of course, be clear about non-negotiables like drinking and driving, cheating at school, etc.
Encourage good self-care in your teens.
-It's easy for them to grab a Starbucks and not eat breakfast. Watch Youtube videos until they turn out the lights for bed. We can help them feel better physically which will help them feel better mentally by providing a healthy framework of balanced meals and good sleep habits. Request a Free Teen Self Care Assessment downloadable.
It can be very frustrating at times to feel like our children don’t appreciate us. The truth is they really do, but they are not always going to show it when we want or the way we expect.
In the most difficult of moments, breathe deeply and remind yourself of all the things about your child that you are grateful for, then choose to respond in a way that builds your relationship with them. Or choose not to respond at all.
Find more parenting information through our webiste: Emerge Consulting Solutions
