Praise vs. Encouragement in Parenting
If you are a cusp gen-x/millenial like myself, you likely didn’t get as much positive feedback from your parents as you wanted. You likely didn’t get ANY positive feedback. As a parent, you may be accentuating the positive with your children a little TOO much. My daughter may or may not have thought for years her stick figure paintings of our family ended up in the Louvre in Paris instead of the recycling bin. It wasn’t until I started my parenting education that I realized that in doing that, I was actually setting my children up for failure.
Experts and parents started seeing children who thrived on that praise to the point that they felt they failed if they didn’t get over-the-top congratulations for everything they did. These children craved praise and suffered anxiety and depression if they didn’t receive it. Some children were less motivated to do well when receiving rave reviews. Parents were advised to back off on the superlatives. Enthusiastic support has morphed into manipulating your child’s feelings about their self-worth, making your child dependent on praise. Our well-intentioned efforts back-fired.
Many parents and experts are turning to the power of encouragement over simple praise. Instead of empty phrases like "That's great!", acknowledge your child's experience and offer specific feedback. It's a small shift that can greatly impact their self-esteem and growth. Don't be afraid to celebrate their successes and give credit where it's due - it's all part of helping them develop a positive sense of self-worth.
Here are some quick changes you can make today to shift the narrative between praise and encouragement.
Be specific: Let’s consider the above example of my daughter’s artwork. None of my children are artists, BUT they loved the creation process. So the next time your child brings you a drawing, pick something sincere and authentic. “You used so many beautiful colors in the rainbow! I can tell you had fun making this picture for me. Why don’t we take a picture on my phone and mail it to Naani.”
Notice the details: If you want to encourage your child in creative ways as they explore the world, take the time to observe their work, whether it be a funky painting or a stack of blocks. When they want to show off their creations, resist the urge to give a simple "great job" and instead probe deeper. Ask questions, comment on how they tackled particular challenges, and engage with their thought process. It's not about your approval, it's about supporting their curiosity and love of creation. So let them know you see and appreciate the details!
Self-reflection: We all want to give our best to our children. Taking time for some reflection can give you the time to think about how you phrase things or the tone of your voice. Take a closer look at some of those common expressions we use daily. Trust us, your child will thank you for it.
Our children have an incredible capacity to learn, understand, and utilize the information we present to them. We can offer much and open their world up for exploration if we cultivate their natural curiosity. All it takes is a little love, some encouragement, and maybe a scoop of ice cream occasionally! Taking the time to show your children you care by creating positive experiences will help them develop a sense of security and an appreciation for life’s adventures. Don’t forget, no matter how old they get, it’s never too late to make an impact in your children’s lives. With meaningful connections that go beyond what words can say, both you and your child can continue to grow together!